Today there are plenty of things that can distract from the relationship with our spouse or the one we love and unfortunately not always are they the same person. Most people enter a relationship with the greatest of intentions and then life comes in and beats the living hell out of both of them. Is that fair? No, but how many times can you point to when life has been fair? I would imagine very few times. Then there are those who enter relationships as a convenience. It's good until the next relationship comes along. Is that fair? No, its not and it can often lead to devastation and financial burdens, not to mention heartache and agony for the other spouse.

 

Life is life, but it's also sometimes what we make of it. It can be as strong as we are and it can be as weak as we are. However, no matter what affects us we are individually and solely responsible for the decisions that we make in life. We must understand that those decisions can and will often have repercussions that not only affect us but those around us. It is truly unfortunate when decisions are made by one spouse, which dramatically and drastically affects the other. However, you are not responsible for the feelings, actions or decisions of another and you have little influence and control over them. There is absolutely nothing you could have changed that would have made a difference and it is important for you to understand that it is not your fault.

 

A cheating spouse does not cheat because of their spouse. I have seen too many people left analyzing themselves on why their spouse cheated. There are too many faithful people asking themselves; what did I do to deserve being at this point in my life? What could I have done to prevent being at this point in my life? Remember, it's them, not you. I don't need a medical degree in psychology to tell you that it's their weakness, not yours and it is in no way a reflection on your ability to maintain a good relationship. This is the very premise of why this book was authored. To arm you with the information you need to gain a better understanding of technology and to provide you with the methods to protect yourself and access computers, cell phones or PDA's to obtain the data you need to make crucial decisions. This book is designed to be part of your support system.

 

Contemplating divorce creates an enormous stress on an individual and they start to double guess themselves and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt inside. If you are normally a well grounded individual, then this is a natural reaction. I realize that there are people that are highly jealous and always feel this way in a relationship. However, if this is not you, then what you are feeling is normal.

 

I believe that it is your mind recognizing that this is an important step in your life, you want to be cautious and you want to be sure. The feelings of guilt sometimes mean that part of you believes that your spouse may be innocent. That's good because it is a sign that you are keeping an open mind and that you want to be certain that you don't falsely accuse your spouse.

 

Recognizing that this is an important step and that you want to be cautious means that you are acting fairly and that you want to make sure you do things right. Don't let the guilt get to you. Don't let people around you make you feel like the bad person in the relationship. When you develop a suspicion, looking into your spouse's activities does not mean that you are spying on them. Don't let anyone convince you of that because it is simply not true. You can't hide from obvious signs because it may end up hurting you or other members of your family. You have a responsibility to your family and yourself to ensure that everything is fine.

 

Let's assume that you ultimately find out that your suspicions were unfounded. Fine, you did what you needed to do and you move on. If you handle it right your spouse will never know. However, I can tell you from my experiences that when a spouse has a strong suspicion, we usually find an overwhelming amount of evidence to support their suspicion. That is not to say that every case will turn out that way and I hope you are wrong about what you are feeling, but you owe it to yourself to resolve the suspicions that you have.

 

In one particular case a woman caught her husband cheating. She confronted him and gave him an opportunity to end the marriage. He swore it would not happen again and he asked for a second chance, so they continued their marriage. A few short years later she again had a strong suspicion. This time she hired our firm to perform computer forensics on their home computer. Our findings confirmed not only that he was cheating on her but that he never stopped cheating on her since he was caught the last time.

 

There may be a good reason you are suspicious and you have to confront your suspicions or you will be miserable. I was told by one person that my book will be responsible for breaking up marriages. I can tell you this, the activities of the unfaithful spouse is the reason marriages break up, not because of the faithful spouse. I can handle my critics; I just want to make sure that I arm you with enough information to be able to handle yours. I want you to be as confident as I am that bringing resolution to your suspicions is well within your rights and you have an obligation to protect your health and wellbeing.

 

In fact the biggest battle will not be with your critics but with yourself. Once you are comfortable with understanding what you have to do and why, you will find that you will simply ignore the critics. When you do, the guilt and anxiety will leave and they will be replaced with feelings of confidence and determination in your decisions. You not only have every right to resolve your suspicions, you have an obligation to your family and yourself so don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

Women have been going through the pockets of their husband's jackets and pants as well as their briefcases and wallets looking for potential evidence for literally decades. The men never knew this was happening unless their wife found a bar napkin with a phone number and a woman's name on it. Looking at a hard drive, cell phone or PDA is no different. It is just that people have to adapt as technology evolves. It is a different world today and I want to make sure that you are equipped with the knowledge you need to cope.

 

In the end it's not always about the legal process, it's not always about the law and it's not always about getting even. Spouses who have been through a rough relationship sometimes just want the truth. They not only need it but they deserve it. A lawyer will tell you that your divorce case is not about your spouse cheating on you; it's about dissolving the marriage, dividing the assets and in a growing number of cases child custody.

 

I have worked too many cases to know that for the faithful spouse, they want the truth. They have been told by their unfaithful spouse that they are crazy, that they are paranoid and there is no problem. Cheating spouses will often tell their spouse that they love them and try to place the blame for their suspicions back onto them. A wife once asked me, Am I crazy? I said, "Here look at these nude pictures of your husband that he was sending out via e-mail to other women. No you're not crazy, He is."

 

Cheating spouses can be very cunning at manipulating you. They will try and make you feel guilty for violating their privacy but they forgot that they violated your trust. Don't you forget it and don't you fall for their manipulation. When they are married there is no private world that separates their work life from their family life. That is self-contrived nonsense that spouses sometimes bring up when they have nothing to justify their actions.

 

The point of this article is to let you know that there is nothing wrong with doing what you need to do to confront your suspicions, as long as you do it legally. This may include the use of forensics on a computer, cell phone or PDA but it doesn't have to. It may simply include looking at cellular and home phone bills, reviewing cell phone logs, checking gas and credit card statements and obtaining EZPass records. Start with the easy tasks and if you get more evidence to support your suspicions then work from there.

If you are typically jealous then I would suggest that you seek counseling to help you deal with those feelings. However, if you are a normal and well grounded person who is feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and betrayed then you have to find out why. Until you do the feelings will only worsen and may deepen to a bitter animosity and resentment toward your spouse.

I will leave you with a short story that may help support my point. I started flying in 1972 and I once asked my instructor if it was necessary to put on your landing lights when making an emergency engine-out landing in mountainous terrain at night. He replied by saying, "you turn on your landing lights. If you don't like what you see, then you turn them off."

The instructor was trying to be funny and thought provoking at the same time. I knew that turning off your lights doesn't change your circumstances or the ultimate outcome. Keeping your landing lights on and dealing with what lies ahead may help you navigate your way out of danger. Flying through the dark will never help you or the people that depend on you. Just because your spouse may have decided to let their family down, doesn't mean you should. I wish you well in your endeavors.